My poetry are a collection of my thoughts.
My innermost ideas, secrets, concepts, and beliefs.
A lot of the time however,
My poetry is very singular.
I write about the ghosts of my past who haunt my waking days.
There are a few figures in my writing who persist.
But one shadow I always try to ignore.
It is the lumbering wraith who clings to my back,
Breathes down my neck,
Drapes itself over my psyche.
It’s a three-letter work beginning with an “S”.
In my household it was always taboo,
A subject you never spoke of,
Never did.
My sibling and I have been led to believe
We were of virginal birth.
We just came to be one day.
It wasn’t until I was older I learned,
It was supposed to be more than desires and flesh.
It was supposed to symbolize the feelings you had for another person,
It was meant to show the bond between two people.
“You don’t have sex unless you mean it.”
Became a new term to me.
It was problematic, riddled in old world beliefs.
But I took it heart.
Which made hearing about it being used as a weapon…
Difficult.
My mother ranted and yelled about the feeling of being dismissed.
To put all you have on the table,
Only to be rejected.
It became something I sorely feared.
It created a weird unhealthy apprehension of sex.
I didn’t want it,
Because I didn’t want to be rejected
By someone I loved enough to trust.
This was rooted in other personal issues,
But it stood out the most.
There was this deep-rooted fear that I too
Would put all I have on the table,
Looking for some passion
Some love
Something.
And be rejected.
The “sting of rejection” is a term I sorely hate.
I always used to believe
If you thought it stung
You were being dramatic.
But it does sting.
Being rejected for anything burns.
It creates this feeling of worthlessness.
In the world of love
It hurts way more.
Worthlessness is a common sensation.
There’s always too much apprehension.
Fear.
There’s always fear.
The fear you have made them angry,
Scorned them,
Hurt them,
Rejected them.
There is the fear they are falling out of love with you.
That lingers a little too much.
Feeling less than comes around a lot.
You love someone so much
A belief that they are far more deserving
Of what you can provide
Creates this imposter syndrome,
A burning feeling that you are scum.
Trash.
Undeserving.
Worthless.
Everyone is quick to say if you feel this way
It’s a bad relationship.
But who amongst us can say
That true love
Has never made you feel these sensations?
Maybe I have just been broken
Unrepairable.
Always seeing the good with a grain of salt,
Waiting for something to go bad and hurt me again.
I’m just jaded I suppose.
I felt rejection,
And I find myself spiraling.
Melting down a drain,
Feeling unloved,
Unwanted,
Undesired.
Even in my sleep I cant escape
This choking
Stifling feeling.
The sting of rejection.
