How much?

How loudly do I have to scream?
How hard do I have to push?
How much do I have to do?

How much will it take for me to matter
to you?

I'm not talking about a certain you, 
I'm asking the world?
I'm asking my reality.

What does it take for me to matter?
What does it take for my work to mean something?

How long do I have to fight to get a moments peace?

How much will it take for me to matter to you?

My existence has been devalued at every turn.
From a parent, from a friend, from a lover.

I'm not worth the truth,
I'm not worth common decency,
I'm not worth the air,
I'm not worth the money or the space.

When will my existence reach its worth?
On what scale do I have to be measured?

What are the standards and why can't I meet it?

Irregular heartbeat

The human heart is so fickle.

Maybe sometimes it would be better if we were to live without it.
Sure our pulse would cease,
and our blood won't flow,
and yeah sure our brains would freeze

but maybe it is better to lose
than to live and love.

I'm looking for a sign, a reason,
a feeling to latch on to.
How can one person stand out above the rest,
and make you think that the world doesn't matter.

Maybe because I never truly loved.
I've never felt the heat of another heart,
the fingers interlacing and twining together,
there's only ghosts of love.

But love is a ghost.
A heart wrenching phantasm that stalks our dreams
and haunts the waking days.

It is a specter of life.

You abandon your friends for an embrace.
Family is seen as a barrier keeping you apart.
The world has no sympathy because he is the world.

Can one truly live a fulfilled life in the cage of another's heart and desire?
Bound to the dream of a lifetime,
the uncertain promise of forever?

Then what about the paradox of lust.

What separates the need for flesh,
from the desire for a person?
Sex blurs those lines.
Taking an eraser to boundaries, and wiping it all clean.

Sex leaves fingerprints,
in the heat of passion 'love' is said,
but is it truly meant?

Do you love the person
or do you love the flesh?

How can one differentiate an irregular heartbeat
as lust or love?

My heart can race for you,
but it can also race because of your  touch.
How does the a four letter word change the rhythm?

Age doesn't make you wiser.
You aren't any wiser to love at ninety than you were at fourteen.
You never know better,
and we may never know.

Im frustrated, confused, lost in the feelings.
Watching people hurt others
because there isn't a power in earth stronger than love
but lust.

Solar Sailor

A summer night that isn't muggy and hot.
Tired aching feet,
stiff legs,
sleepy eyes fading in and out.

The midnight fog mixing with tired blinks,
turning passing street lights and red car signals
into beams and ribbons.

Each ribbon races down an abandoned highway, no stars can be seen
but the moon is illuminated through my passenger window.

Music.
Fresh summer night breeze.
Warm heated seats.

I'm barely able to keep my eyes open.
Struggling,
gps in my lap, telling us to turn right.

We miss the turn but we keep sailing.
Passing darkened trees, glowing speedway lights
and highway lined restaurants.

We're dreaming of meatball sandwiches and kraft mac 'n cheese.
Passing more ribbons of streamline streetlights.
I'm hoping for a moment to close my eyes.
but the music keeps me awake.